February 16, 2006
BoobaWooba Discovers What’s In Paris Hilton’s Stolen Diaries! - Claims Earthlings Not Prepared For The Shocking Revelations, But He’ll Tell Them Anyway When BoobaWooba first heard the news that one of Earth’s most popular Hollywood socialites, Paris Hilton, had had her private diary - said to contain shocking revelations about the sexy blonde hotel heiress’s debauched sex life - stolen, he immediately sensed a golden opportunity. Ever the savvy capitalist, the great and sexy BoobaWooba called his top executives into his palatial office suite, situated atop the regal and shining BoobaPlex - galactic headquarters of BoobaWooba Inc, for an emergency meeting. BoobaWooba made it clear to his underlings that the Hilton sex diary must be acquired by BoobaWooba Inc at any cost. Negotiations promptly began with the brokers handling the diaries and, though it was a tough bargain, BoobaWooba Inc finally acquired the sex diary for 36 million quatloos and 534 pink Garzekian pleasure cows, plus 100 one-year passes to BoobaWorld, the galaxy’s most visited sexual theme park which proudly pioneered the use of vibrating anal probes in the seats of it’s rides. [Please Note: BoobaWorld is not appropriate for those who suffer from hemorrhoids, rectal fissures, anal warts, or for those who regularly have “accidents” during receptive anal intercourse.] After reading the contents of the Paris Hilton sex diary, the wise, prudent, and profoundly aroused BoobaWooba seriously considered holding back the scandalous information for fear that the largely prudish inhabitants of Earth could not possibly handle the advanced sexuality that was revealed in it’s pages. After a full 56 seconds of deep contemplation, BoobaWooba decided to release the information anyway. A summary of the most titilating diary entries: - Paris writes that Rick Solomon, the guy that she fucked in her famous sex video, proposed that she and her Simple Life co-star, Nicole Ritchie, join him for a hot threesome in the hot tub during a wild party in Malibu. Both Paris and Nicole loved the idea, but the raunchy plans were foiled when Nicole passed out drunk right as she was entering the tub. Paris was then forced to recruit someone else from the party to complete the threesome, but it was late and most everyone had either gone home or passed out like Nicole. The only conscious person Paris could find was the fat guy from Lost who, even though he wasn’t exactly what she or Rick had had in mind, was still a breathing human with a pulse. Paris notes that she and Rick were far too drunk to really tell the difference between him and Nicole Ritchie anyway, so they said what the fuck. The fat guy from Lost happily agreed to the proposition and joined the horny couple in the hot tub where they engaged in multiple sex acts. Paris writes that she attempted to orally service the fat guy from Lost, but could barely locate his penis due to the many folds of fat and several anomalous hairy moles that obstructed the way. Paris then apparently went drilling in the fat guy from Lost’s bunghole with her tongue and reports that it tasted of wild boar cum and coconuts. Paris does not mention how it is that she knows what wild boar cum tastes like -- at least not in this particular entry. Rick was mostly concentrating on pumping Paris full of hard love, she writes, but she notes that he did reach over a few times to squeeze the fat guy from Lost’s tits, which were so large, round, and supple that Paris reports experiencing a deep jealousy towards him that almost caused her to abruptly end the tryst.  - Paris complains in another entry that the men she’s been with recently can’t seem to bring her to orgasm. This evidently drove her to purchase a $1,000 electro-pulse vibrator that shoots bursts of electrical current into the vagina and anus. Paris writes that when she first tried the super-charged vibrator, a thunder storm caused a series of power surges at her place. Since the power hungry device needs to be plugged into the wall outlet, the device started pumping serious jolts of juice up Paris’s wet coochie. She describes feeling like she was being fucked by an angry bull receiving a turpentine enema. Paris reports that this fluke of timing and nature caused her to have the most earth-shaking orgasm ever. Even better, she claims, than when Jack Nicholson’s pacemaker malfunctioned during an anal ejaculation two summers ago.
- Paris reports in yet another naughty entry that her recent trip to the LA petting zoo turned orgasmic when an apparently horny peruvian llama, with a tongue the size of a surf board, managed to sneak it’s head beneath her skirt and...um, BoobaWooba informs me that I’m giving far too much away at this point. He assures me that a fully detailed report of Paris’s sexual hijinks will soon be available for download at an exceedingly reasonable price. |
