April 13, 2005
FDA Advisory Panel Considers Lifting The 13-Year Ban On Silicone Breast Implants An FDA advisory panel recently heard testimony from both proponents and opponents of the controversial silicone breast implants, which were banned in the United States in 1992 due to concerns that they caused diseases ranging from arthritis to lupus. Many women testified at the advisory panel hearing that they suffered debilitating pain and other health problems after their implants leaked silicone gel into their bodies. On the other side, several plastic surgeons testified that none of the scientific studies conducted over the last 13 years have found any links between silicone implants and chronic diseases reported by many women who’ve had implant leaks. They claimed, also, that silicone implants are far superior in terms of look and feel to implants of the saline variety, which are the current standard in the United States, and that they should be available to women who prefer them. The advisory panel will consider all of the testimony and scientific evidence before making it’s recommendation on whether or not the FDA should lift the current ban. Now, while many of you might automatically assume that BoobaWooba would be militantly in favor of lifting the ban at all costs, it may surprise you that the perpetually horny alien smut king believes that the question of whether or not to lift the ban on silicone breast implants is an extremely important one which should be carefully and thoughtfully considered. The great and compassionate BoobaWooba also believes that, while the cause of increasing bust sizes across the cosmos is a terribly imperative one, the health and safety of women is of primary and superceding importance. BoobaWooba takes this altruistic, humanitarian, and slightly suspicious position due mostly to a life-changing trauma that he experienced a few years ago. BoobaWooba had just finished a tasty glass of Direxian Mud Ale at the popular “Busty Bertha’s House Of Booze & Cooze” on Nipplona V when a shady looking 4-armed gentleman in a trenchcoat approached the master smut peddler with an offer to sell him a “slightly used” penile enlargement device for a shockingly cheap 1,237 quatloos - and a two hour joy ride in the beautifully detailed and hyperdrive-enabled Booba-Cruiser. Just as any other sane male with a tiny genital endowment would have done, BoobaWooba jumped at the offer and acquired his “Super Wiz-Bang Micro-Cock Gigantisizor with Easy-Grip Applicator” [AS SEEN ON TV!] then entered the bar’s bathroom where he eagerly went about following the instructions while the 4-armed gentleman took off in the Booba-Cruiser. What happened next will torment the great and virile BoobaWooba for the rest of his 630 year life expectancy. After applying the device to his cherished, but nearly microscopic Booba-Tool in the directed fashion, BoobaWooba sensed a mild tingling occuring in his flacid quarter-inch penis. Soon, the Booba-Tool began rapidly growing in size and BoobaWooba claims to have been ecstatic at the prospect of finally possessing a dick worthy of his great stature as a master porn king. Unfortunately however, BoobaWooba relates, the Booba-Tool did not stop growing. It continued to expand and expand until it burst through the door of the bathroom stall BoobaWooba was occupying. At this point, the Booba-Tool had grown to comprise nearly 93.765% of BoobaWooba’s entire bodily mass and was still expanding out of all control. Meanwhile, other bar patrons who were in the process of relieving themselves in the bathroom began to flee in terror while BoobaWooba’s green wart covered mega-penis continued to enlarge and burst through the bathroom entrance. Busty Bertha, in near panic, ordered everyone to flee the bar and run for their lives. BoobaWooba claims that he just wanted to die at this point, believing the extreme embarrassment he was enduring to be too great to ever overcome. Thankfully, BoobaWooba’s renegade penis finally did stop growing, but only after it had completely filled the entire bar and lodged itself in the massive boob-shaped front windows of the seedy establishment. Ultimately, BoobaWooba was safely extracted from the “House of Booze” by Nipplona V firefighters who used the “Jaws of Life - 3000 Series” to free BoobaWooba’s giant penis from the rubble. Doctors then rushed to the scene and injected the Booba-Tool with a deflating agent which thankfully shrunk our hero’s sex organ back to it’s original tiny size. BoobaWooba learned a couple of very important lessons from this sorriest of humiliating episodes, one of which is that augmentation of one’s sex organs is a very serious matter requiring very careful forethought. The other lesson BoobaWooba learned is that you should never allow shady characters you meet in a titty bar to joyride in your spaceship. Total repairs to the Booba-Cruiser ran about 18,450 quatloos. |
