You Got The Herpes

Dear Mr. Booba Wooba,

BoobaWoobaThis letter is to inform you that one of the six Anataran Pleasure Cows we sold you last month is a carrier of Zarphlaxian Herpes Complex, mutation X3410R. We are very sorry for this error and we will happily refund your purchase price for the cow at your request. Please be informed that anyone who has had sexual relations with the cow can expect to be infected with this highly virulent strain of Zarphlaxian Herpes, which is curable only by receiving 300 doses of Valtrexo Galacticol injected directly into the rectal cavity of the sufferer every day for 6 months. Symptoms of infection include dry mouth, runny nose, moderate hair loss, bloodshot eyes, aching joints (especially in the pelvis), violent diarrhea, stomach cramps, a stabbing pain in the crotch that feels like a samurai warrior is disecting you with a sword starting at the testicles, painful swallowing, phenomenally odorous bowel movements that may require gas masking to avoid losing consciousness, ringing in the ears, toxic flatulence, memory loss, coughing up large brown chunks that may hatch into flesh eating insectoids, skin sensitivity, and slight loss of appetite. Again, please accept my profoundest apologies for this incovenience.

Feuromino Hexanianimo
President, Full Moon Sexual Beast Services


Your Swimming Pool

Hello, Mr. Wooba. This is Fereezi Malegaigox, the contractor you hired to construct the 100-foot swimming pool in the shape of a massive set of big boobs in your backyard. I have a couple of questions that I need to get answered by you before we break ground on the project at your mansion. First off, you mentioned when we spoke last that you wanted the areas where the nipples would normally be to consist of rounded fountains that would periodically spew bursts of water to simulate lactation of real breasts. Is this still your wish, because, frankly, most of the people in our office believe that’s kind of sick. Also, do you still require a blessing of the site conducted every 5 minutes by a Boobianic Priest as we proceed with construction, because this will delay things a bit as we are not able to find a priest who thinks this is an acceptable use of his time. Also, I’m going to have to speak with you at length about your plans for a massive ass-shaped backyard observatory. Your insistence that the telescope protrude from the anus is causing some serious design problems that we’re going to have to resolve. Thank you for your prompt reply.

Big Boobs So Huge, You’ll Shit Yourself – Click Here!


CosmiBanc Latinum Visa

Dear Mr. Wooba,

We have placed a temporary hold on your CosmiBanc Latinum Visa account due to some irregular charges that we recently discovered. Specifically, on 4/28, there was a purchase of a “Fusion Powered Anal Cleansing System” that was charged to your account by subaccount holder “Misty MegaTits”. On that same day, there was a charge for 50 cans of “Super Fresh Flatulence Odor Eliminator” by the same subaccount holder. Please confirm that these charges are genuine and we will promptly reinstate your account. For security reasons, we will require you to personally confirm these charges over the phone to one of our friendly female customer service representatives. All calls are monitored and recorded to ensure courteous service. Thank you.

Varla Vega, Director – Account Affairs


Your Next Big Star

Goralia Gazongoza writes:
“Hello Mr. BoobaWooba. My name is Goralia Gazongoza, a soon to be porn megastar of galactic renown, and I’d like to apply to be one of BoobaWooba Inc’s contract girls. My boobs are massive and my asses are round, firm, and open for business. I am available for scenes involving gagging oral, lactation gargling, interspecies sex, and quintuple penetration. I will also perform ass-to-mouth from other girls’ asses, but not from the asses of Antaran Pleasure Cows or Farzekian Marathon Mules (extreme parasite risk). I know I can be one of your biggest stars. Get back to me soon!”


Breast Enlargement Failed

Dr. Formio Destratenzi writes:
“Mr. Wooba, I am writing to inform you that the breast enlargement surgery you ordered for your Joreelian Sex Beast has gone horribly awry. I attempted to enlarge the creature’s 10 breasts to the size you requested, however 4 of the 10 breasts ruptured during surgery and we were forced to do a complete reconstruction of the affected breasts. Sadly, we were not able to produce the breast size you had in mind, which frankly is far too large to be reasonable. I don’t see why anyone would even want breasts the size of escape pods to begin with. I mean, have you even thought this through?”


We Have a Problem

Geraxo R. Chorkorizio writes:
“Dear Mr. BoobaWooba, I feel I have to write in and advise you of a very disturbing problem I have encountered in your newest interspecies anal video “Hortaxia Craves It In The Asses, Volume 32“. Now, I’m sure you’re aware of the great importance of maintaining the highest integrity in the production and marketing of interspecies pornography. For eons, BoobaWooba Inc could be relied on to produce the best, most arousing smut in the cosmos. But now, there has emerged a stain on your once spotless reputation. While watching the aforementioned video, I noticed – just as I was about to climax into a wad of tissue paper – that Hortaxia was being penetrated in only three of her five asses! Now, the gravity of this deception cannot be underestimated. The cover of the video clearly stated that Hortaxia takes Antaran Cow udder in all five of her gloriously big round asses at the same time.

You can imagine my distress when confronted with this pornographical injustice at the point of climax. I was so upset, I could not bring myself to release my seed. I almost instantly lost my erection and descended into a miserable pit of despair from which I have yet to fully extricate myself, despite vast investments in prescription medication, therapy, and visualization coaching. I can only hope you will do the right thing and immediately pull this video from the intergalactic market and promptly replace it with the video we were promised so that I, and I’m sure many others, can finally get on with our lives. This has been Geraxo R. Chorkorizio. Good day or night to you.”


I Have Your Women

Jazorno Ubopolix writes:
“Greetings, most honorable smut baron. I write you in order to inform your greatly esteemed porn peddling highness of the fact that three of your busty harem girls have escaped your custody and have arrived at my estate seeking protection from any further duties in regard to the oral servicing of your allegedly malodorous and hemorrhoid plagued nether orifices. They have beseeched me to provide them safe haven for a time while they devise a plan to sink into the galactic underground and evade your harem girl recovery forces indefinitely.

I, of course, have no intention of keeping your property, so long as you deposit 1,250,000 quatloos into my CosmiBanc account by tomorrow morning. I encourage you to act with dispatch. Good and merry day to you.”